Trying Times

I have not written for more than a week. Most of the time, I languished in my bed, buried in depression and wondering what have I done to deserve this. In frantic moments, I cried out to God. I ranted and raved. I searched every recesses of my mind to see where I’ve gone wrong, how it all started, what I am going through now, how I am going to cope in the future, the activities I may have to give up. If Papa Bkworm has to stand by his vows – in sickness and in health, this will be that moment.

I am now but one more number in the group of people struck with this Condition. I will not elaborate further as to what this condition is but it has turned my life upside down. Looking back, I believe, the condition has crept in slowly in the last few years but never have the attacks been more frequent and alarming as in now. Some entries ago, I had written about an overwhelming fear that has crippled me socially to a certain extent. That fear, the panic attacks are but a by product of this Condition. The more I fear, the worse the condition and the worse the condition, the more I fear. A vicious circle. The doctors tell me that all I can do is manage the symptoms by controlling my diet and the state of my mind. I will need to find out for myself the triggering factors to slow down the attacks.

In the last two months, I literally lived one day at a time. And by the end of each day, I breathed a sigh of relief that I have made it past one more day without an attack. I was becoming more confident that perhaps the attacks have finally died down and the frequency of my outings began to increase slowly but surely. Last Thursday, I went out for breakfast with friends. While sipping my hot chocolate, I felt a slight fluttering, indicating an attack. I ignored it, went about my activities. By the time I was preparing dinner, I began to feel more and more unwell. Later that night, all hell broke loose. The pain and discomfort had returned.

In these last few days, I had been holed up at home. I searched the Internet for support groups; people with similar conditions. I need to know how others cope because I am hanging at the end of my tether. I feel tired – tired of being a prisoner of my own body.

Papa Bkworm and Little Bkworm have been pillars of strength. They fuss over me, hug me, and love me in their own ways. In a moment of despair, I turned to a dear friend who’s also a Christian. I’ve known Ming from my working days. Like me, she gave up her career and opted to stay home to take care of her young children. We meet up occasionally for drinks and chats. I needed the support of a Christian sister who will stand with me in prayer to God. When she came over and prayed for me today, I felt comforted. The physical condition remained but her prayer for me felt like a divine touch from above. And that is what I yearn for the most. The thought of the days ahead without His presence scares me.

It’s going to be tough times ahead.