A Vision of Happiness

Have you ever seen a vision of happiness?

Jomel was the perfect picture of that vision last Saturday evening.

We, the Bkworms were honored to be able to share in the joy of her wedding to Mr. D as they celebrated their union together with friends and loved ones at a poolside reception that evening.

As both the bride and groom came down the red carpeted walkway that was strewn with rose petals, I felt overwhelmed as I recalled the many ups and downs that Jomel had been through in these last few years. And there she was, beaming in happiness as she walked beside the man who has made things all right again for her. Dressed in soft flowing pink, she smiled shyly at those who began to gather around her, reaching out to touch and hug her; all wanting to let her know that we all share her joy of finding love again.

The decor was simple yet elegant and the choice of food excellent, with lovely carvings of both the bride and groom’s names engraved on the fruit display. It was a buffet set up and that allowed guests to move about freely, giving the whole gathering a more relaxed atmosphere. Instead of the usual three tiered wedding cake, they thrilled us with a unique presentation of beautifully decorated cupcakes in the shape of a tiered wedding cake. I was delighted that the little flower sitting atop each cupcake was as purple in color as my Barney hued dress!

(oops....who's that in purple??)

But what struck me most that night were two things. Firstly, it was the heartfelt speech that Jomel’s new sister-in-law gave as a toast to the new couple. It was touching to hear how her family welcome Jomel into the family with open hearts and open arms and the tribute that they paid to Jomel as a woman of strength and integrity. Jomel has surely emerged a stronger person through the many tests and trials that she has been through from a very young age. A lesser woman would have buckled in defeat.

Maybe those are the qualities that have won Mr. D’s heart. I didn’t have much opportunity to talk to Mr. D who is ‘ying chun, siew sa’ – charming, to say the least. When he dedicated a poem to his wife, (this being the second thing), he was so choked with emotion that, I am sure all of us present that night, felt his immense love for the object of his affection. Later, he got everyone’s attention when he serenaded his bride with Ronan Keating’s ‘In This Life’ and he sang it acapella! I bet he brought more than a tear to Jomel’s eyes. A perfect dedication for a woman who has always longed for romantic fairy tale endings.

If there was only one thing that I took away with me that night, it must be the picture of bliss that was on Jomel’s face. It lit up her entire visage and it is a testimony that God never forgets those that He loves for He has encircled Jomel and her two little girls with the love of a husband and a father in Mr. D.

God bless you, Jomel & Mr. D. May you live long and happy together!

Barney at the wedding?

After such pleasant memories of my own wedding, I am brought down to earth by the little purple thingy that is now hanging in my cupboard. (Yes, Jomel, if you are reading this, it's purple in color.) The formerly svelte figure in ivory five years ago is going to try and look (a lot) less fat in this purple dress which will be gracing a dear friend's wedding reception this Saturday.
I have scoured the lengths and breaths of several malls these last two week, dropped in unashamedly to boutiques for larger women but couldn't find the perfect dress. Not that the dress is not perfect but the figure isn't! The covered ones make me look frumpy and 'ah-soh' (read, old) and the revealing ones will be showing so much extra and unwanted flesh that I am sure Papa Bkworm will refuse to be seen in public with me.

When I finally walked into Zara with legs that were so numbed from dress hunting, I was ready to just take anything that will ...... fit. Little Bkworm came into the fitting room with me and with a choice of two different designs, she sighed away her approval for one of them, if only to stop me from going into another boutique after that. Do you think they put magic mirrors in fitting rooms because when I came home and tried on my purchase, I looked much bigger! Uh-oh!!

Tonight, I am going to ransack my cupboard for that shawl that may just be my saving grace when I show up at the reception on Saturday night, looking like an oversized Barney!

Or worse, Miss Piggy in purple.

Some Wonderful Memories

Jomel is feeling the jitters about her upcoming wedding. And reading about it in her blog, reminded me of my big day not so long ago. I was short of a month from my fortieth birthday when Papa Bkworm and I tied the knot on a sunny Saturday morning.

We had only four months to prepare. From the proposal to the altar. It wasn't the altar, really. BUT we had a great time anyway, feeling both excited and nervous at the same time, standing before the Registrar at the Jabatan Pendaftaran in our full wedding regalia. Not many brides would turn up at the Registration Department wearing a wedding gown complete with flowers and all for a civil ceremony! Talk about being the centre of attention. There were two other couples who went in before us and each couple only went into the room with their two witnesses. We went in with our entourage of ten! And picture this..... two of them who were supposed to videotape and take photos of the signing ceremony were moving about so much trying to get the best shot that the Registrar had to request that pictures should only be taken from behind her because she doesn't want to be photographed! Thank God that she didn't chase all of us out!

The preparation was a far cry from the one that took place twenty years before that. My parents organized everything, right up to the kind of nightie that I would be wearing on my wedding night. It looked more like a pink cotton housecoat with buttons right up to the neck! All I had to do was to wake up on the morning of the wedding, put on my wedding gown and do what the tai kam che' tells me to do for the rest of the day.

Twenty years later, I took charge of the planning. And Papa Bkworm took charge of the finances. We came up with a role sheet, delegated different tasks to our close friends who had volunteered to help out, booked the restaurant, designed the invitations, arranged for the wedding photography and planned the honeymoon together. Amidst the flurry of activity, there was a constant nagging thought at the back of our minds. Would Papa Bkworm's parents relent and come to the wedding?

My in-laws and I get on fine now but it wasn't always like that. Being a parent, I understand their initial objections and disdain for a relationship which they saw as unbalanced and wrong. Their eldest son was going to take an older, single parent as his wife. A woman with a teenage son and a young daughter. Nothing short of a miracle could have turned their animosity to the acceptance and love that his parents and I share today.

They didn't come for the wedding. But Papa Bkworm's siblings were present and I think that almost completed our joy. Jomel's entry 'Striving For Perfection', again made me think of how disappointed I was when Lara couldn't attend the wedding because SARS struck this part of Asia during that period in 2003. Singapore was also quite seriously affected by the epidemic and Lara kept having a fever that wouldn't go away just before the wedding. There was no way she would have made it past the stringent health check at the Immigration checkpoint. Despite this hiccup, we were totally but pleasantly taken aback when one of Papa Bkworm's closest friend flew back from Hong Kong to attend our lunch reception. He was unable to confirm his attendance earlier because Hong Kong was also badly hit by SARS but he turned up in the end, hale and hearty. We were grateful for his presence just as we were overjoyed at the support of friends and family who celebrated together with us that day.

It wasn't perfect. We still cringe thinking about some of the boo-boos that happened despite our best efforts to keep things according to plan. Perhaps there were things we could have done better. I should have done a music video - imagine for a moment, Bkworm doing a version of Shania Twain's Gonna Getcha and dedicating it to Papa Bkworm at the lunch reception! (Haha, maybe I will do a grandma version at our anniversary years from now!) We would have loved a church wedding, complete with a dreamy walk down the aisle as Papa Bkworm awaits at the altar in a white tux but that was not to be. Instead, we had a pastor friend pray a blessing over us at our reception.

The wonderful and warm memories from the time of preparation until we sent off our last guest with hugs and kisses - these shall stay with us for the rest of our lives. And to us, perfection has been achieved.

When He Plays, She Prays

Parenthood comes with a price. Not only does one get a replica of oneself but also a life long responsibility of being emotionally attached to one’s offspring. It’s not something you buy off the shelf and then have it shelved if doesn't work according to your specifications. But the hurts can go deep.

I love my children. I still have albums of photographs taken when they were babies and just about every milestone in their young lives. And I often wonder how I had managed to bring them up. It had seemed effortless at first but then, for that, I have my parents to thank. They were there for the children when I was working. They were there for them when I was going through my own emotional roller coaster. It was only when I became a stay at home mum, that I took back the reins. By then, like a young sapling that has become a big tree, changes become twice as hard, if not, almost impossible.

Why am I being so melancholic today? I am just reflecting on the heartache of not being able to get through to their little heads. Am I being too much of a queen control? Is it wrong to want your children to do well in life; to do better than me in life? Have I forgotten my own uncertainties when I was at their age and yet I seemed to have turned out quite all right in the end; albeit a little late in life and not discounting the fact that there were a lot of life’s lessons to learn along the way.

The words, “When I was at your age…..” are perpetually at the tip of my tongue but I have to remind myself time and again that when I was at their age, there were no handphones and no iPods. When I was at their age, there were no video games and life was simpler in more ways than one. We never dare to talk back to our elders. We didn’t question their instructions; obeying was the ONLY option. Well, at least, it was like that in my own life. I try to understand my children. I want to understand them – what makes them tick, what makes them do the things they do. It’s a terrible thing when you see them walking towards a pothole in life and you yell out to them to look out and all you get is, “Leave me alone!”. If only they know that I feel every tear that roll down their cheeks when things go wrong and I feel every frustration that they go through when things don't turn out the way they want.

I know they are individuals in their own right. They are not me. They have their own path, a journey already written by God when He created them. But like me, they must make their own choices which will influence the direction they shall be taking along that path. I know. I know. But it’s much harder to live that knowledge and let go.

A friend told me a story about a woman and her son who seemed wayward and unteachable. The woman had only one response.

When he plays, she prays.

Will you pray along with me?

Lonely, I am SO lonely....

Do you know how many times I have typed this line? (All 50 characters including the spaces and the question mark!) I guess it doesn’t matter since you are obviously reading it already. Yes, I am getting a little weird here, perhaps from having too much of loneliness.

Are you ever lonely? I think that is happening to me today. Big time. I switched on the PC to blog but not a word of inspiration came. I checked my Yahoo Messenger, MSN and Skype and they stared back at me in a silence, so loud, that I decided to quit the applications and move on. Who would be online in the middle of the afternoon, anyway. Even the pokes from Facebook are not forthcoming. So much for social networking. Little Bkworm’s not back from her school activities and Papa Bkworm’s entertaining his big boss from Hong Kong until late, so no chance of disturbing him either. The little key pad on my mobile has gone all shiny from continuous scrolling through the address book looking for a friend, any friend to call. I badly need someone to talk to. Anyone. I am not into afternoon soaps on the telly and the books that I have mostly half read are as dry as the weather has been lately.

I avoid the kitchen unless it’s compulsory. Like making dinner. The housework’s mostly done except for the little cobwebs that never seem to go away. I spied the Bible sitting in its usual corner. I flipped it open and wait for a word of exhortation, very much like how a lightning would strike the ground just before an oncoming storm. But nothing. Drier than the book of Ezekiel, they say. And before I could go from a prayer of confession to thanksgiving, my mind was already thinking about a friend’s poolside wedding reception next Saturday and I have nothing to wear! Forgive the diversion, Lord.

I must have measured the length and breath of my little apartment, moved from the sofa to the bed and then back to the sofa again but yet unable to find that something that is missing from my day. Purpose.

The pains were not helping either, so I just popped a painkiller and hope to get some sleep. Maybe I will find it tomorrow.

By the way, have you ever been lonely?

Sweet Reflection

Papa Bkworm just left for work and I have another hour before I make my way to the office. I was watching him tie his shoe laces and suddenly a flash of the past came to my mind.

We met almost fifteen years ago. We started out as friends. And fast friends we became. I found him funny yet profoundly intelligent. Gentle and caring in his ways. Mind you, he has his idiosyncracies. But don't we all, to some degree or another? He was so young then. I was much older but never really felt the age difference though most people would naturally assume him to be younger due to his (very) youthful disposition. Baby face, they call it.

When we eventually ended up together, some poked fun and said I was cradle snatching. Little did they know how much his strength has carried me through dark days. And the bond is uncanny. We could actually finish each other's sentences. We agree on most things though we are entire opposites when it comes to money. In a toast at our wedding, someone said that Papa Bkworm will be making the money and I will be spending it! He IS prudence personified and I..... I am just more generous with money. LOL!!

As he was tying his shoe laces this morning, I thought of the times when we had enjoyed countless lunches at the lane opposite our office and the many evenings when he would send me for Bible Study classes in church even though he did not know Christ then. And how we would hide behind the giant pillars outside our office because inevitably some 'sibuk' colleagues from other departments would come out for lunch at the same time and snigger at the odd couple...us. Though we were like two peas in a pod, seemingly inseparable, never, never did I imagine that years later, he would become my husband. We were supposed to be just best friends and kindred spirits separated by time and circumstances.

Sometimes in the midst of being married, we forget the special moments that bring us together. Simple gestures, ordinary events. But they paved the way to where we are today.

He got up from the little stool which we placed at the door. A kiss and a hug and he was off to work. And this reflection will carry me through another day.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy

I don't remember much of my relationship with my dad in my younger days. My mind sees a larger than life picture of my mother and my sisters in the family but dad's always somewhere in the background. He was the man of the house, someone we revered and to a degree, feared but we knew who ruled the roost.

Yet, it was Dad that brought home the bread, diligently month after month until he retired at 60. He fixed whatever that needed fixing around the house. He was the driver that took us anywhere we needed to go. Silent support through the years. Strangely, it was after Mum died, that he became, well, sort of real. We actually hold real conversations whenever I go back home to visit. We talk about my uncles and aunts. About politics. About the price hike in petrol. Just about anything under the sun. Just yesterday, he even expressed concern that my niece, his granddaughter has yet to conceive after six years of marriage and that he wanted to give them some 'advice' on the matter!

After forty five years of carrying the family name, it was only recently that I found out what my grandparents (whom I have never met) did for a living when they were alive and a little bit more about my great grandparents who came from Guongzhou, China. Somehow, I needed to play catch up with my Dad; to know him and to know my roots.

Dad (the eldest son) in his dark shorts with some of his siblings (5 out of 12) together with my Yeh-Yeh (Grandpa) about 75 years ago.

My Dad is gentle in person, yet strong in spirit. A poem which was read out by my church pastor this morning couldn't have expressed it better about my father.

Daddy, Happy Father's Day. I love you.

What Makes a Dad

God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,
The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle's flight,
The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,
Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so, He called it ... Dad

Author Unknown

And to all the fathers, stepfathers, fathers-to-be and spiritual fathers out there, Happy Father's Day!

Eight Days Ago

I had wanted a grand birthday celebration when I turned 45. Five more years to the big five zero. Maybe do the Macarena and dance till the cows come home. I refuse to grow old or rather, one year older.

But what you want is not necessarily what you will get. My birthday slipped in quietly on the morning of the 6th and left equally incognito 24 hours later. Well, almost. A handful of birthday messages came in through SMS and Facebook. There were no bundles of presents to open and it passed just like any other day. As I had taken leave from work for my birthday, my colleague had presented me with a lovely gift pack from Crabtree & Evelyn a few days earlier and THAT had already been opened before the actual day. I couldn't wait! Of course, the gift delighted me to bits and helped to soothe the worries of an upcoming appointment with my gynae. (which I may write about later).

Papa Bkworm didn't let the day go by without a touch of pomp and fanfare so he dropped a hint with the servers at Italiannies where we had my birthday dinner and that brought a group of servers to our table just before dessert was served. They sang. With tambourines and gusto, they make it known that Bkworm was celebrating her birthday and I even got to blow a candle which sat on top of a slice of bread and butter pudding, compliments of the restaurant. Awww.....the Filipino server and leader of the pack is so cute! *feels like a teenager all over again*

I felt the heat rise to my face as they sang on top of their voices. Make no mistake. It was not a case of the hot flushes but really, Bkworm was blushing! That, sort of made up for the lack of a real birthday cake this year, though no fault of anyone since I had specifically requested that none should be bought as the last one we got for Little Bkworm's birthday took up a lot of fridge space when nobody took more than a slice each from the 1kg cake.

The next evening, as we were standing outside GSC waiting for the Prince Caspian movie to start, Papa Bkworm handed me a plastic bag. Inside was this - a hardcover volume of Sex And The City : The Movie.


It was a lovely surprise because I didn't even know that this book was already available in the bookstores. I've watched the entire six seasons of SATC and I am really looking forward to watch the movie, though not necessarily at the cinema, if you know what I mean. Will Carrie really marry Mr. Big in the end? And can Smith Jerrod finally tame Samantha Jones and make her a one man woman at last? Eeee.....I can't wait.

God willing, if I get to my fiftieth year, I shall have that grand celebration with a grandkid in tow, huh?? *laughs out loud*

A Very Short Break at Nipah Bay

About two weeks ago as the Bkworms were frolicking about in the not-as-clear-as-Redang waters of Pangkor Island, I was drafting a blog entry in my head. We were trigger happy with the camera and I had so many thoughts lined up, I figured it would take me days to post them all up. In the end, I just posted an album of photos on Facebook. Done. No need to rack my brains further.


Several years ago when I was still in my thirties (ok, it was more than several years ago!) AND single, I had gone on budget holidays to Redang and Phuket; staying at one star hotels/chalets and surely not soaking in luxury of any form. As long as the toilets were clean, the rest didn't really matter. After all, where would one spend the bulk of one's time at the beach, if not at the beach!

Fast forward a few years and I am almost ashamed at my initial reaction when I reached our hotel of destination in Pangkor. I was horrified at the size of the chalet (though I have stayed in smaller ones), turned my nose up on the simple (but working) shower head and a toilet that won't flush. Little Bkworm was more vocal and made it quite clear that she would not be showering for the next three days in such a bare looking toilet/bath and a sink that have seen better days. Never mind that she had it worse when she was at her KRS youth camp two months ago. I swallowed the rising complaints that were already at the tip of my tongue and tried to help her see the positive side of things i.e. a beach that is a street walk away, packed to the brim with holiday makers and no semi naked Caucasian men resembling Matthew McConaughey at the beach!

But as the sun began to set and we spied the many road side stalls selling souvenirs and snorkels with the smell of barbequed seafood wafting through the air, I felt life seeping back into my tired body. The four hour journey from home to this island off the state of Perak had been long and arduous; the wait for the ferry ride was torturous! After the initial disappointment at our dismal quarters, the simple life of hornbills and barefooted children running around dripping wet from a swim in the sea was a nice change indeed. The next morning, we went further away from the crowds and spent a leisurely first half of the day in a quieter section of the beach. I bravely put on my teeny weeny bikini top but hidden under a short singlet and was mostly hiding in the water, lest I should be hauled up for indecent exposure since we didn't see any other females (no, not one person) in sight that had a swimsuit on. No, they were not naked. Rather, most of the holiday makers were covered up right up to their heads and they were clad the same way when they went into the waters. T-shirts, sarongs, track suits and head scarves! Yes, they all went a swimming along with screaming kids and rubber tubes.


My little gray singlet and blue swimming shorts would have been an abomination to them, not to mention the layers of fat that, I swear, were never there before I turned 40 just five years ago!


The holiday was short. Three days and two nights. Given more time, perhaps I would have summoned up enough courage to go on the banana boat ride or whiz around on a water scooter. I vaguely remembered saying something similar after I returned from a holiday to Phuket some years back. That would have been a nice feather in my cap before I turned 45 just a few days after I returned to KL.

Thank God for Astro and mobile coverage, we were still in touch with our movies and handphones. Just goes to show how spoilt, us city rats have become. Having stayed all our lives in the hustle bustle of a big city, lounging at the beach is indeed a nice break but give us a week more, I think I would be missing the malls, expensive coffee and of course, Wifi!

On the last day of our holiday, Little Bkworm asked if we could return and stay at the Havana Beach Resort again next year. Sort of like an annual pilgrimage. It looked like the young lady has gotten over her early disdain for the simpler things in life, hasn't she?


p.s. The Resort's not bad, actually. The place is quite popular with families and is located along one of the nicer beaches in Pangkor. Staff were friendly and helpful and if you don't mind the bare necessities, you will find the price affordable and a nice place to just relax for a few carefree days. Apart from that flush that wasn't working properly, they even had Star Movies playing on Astro (for entertainment when there is nothing else to do at night after a delicious dinner of barbequed seafood!) and most of their chalets are also fully airconditioned for additional comfort.